Let Go

I can't believe I haven't blogged all year!  I've tried.  I've sat down and started multiple posts, but they just don't seem to capture what I was thinking or feeling.  It's been an interesting year so far.  Nothing bad, I'm just trying to really focus on what matters most and to give my kids more of myself.  They are getting so BIG!  They are developing into these wonderful and smart and independent young men and it scares me sometimes!  I no longer know every little detail about their lives.  They don't need me as much.  They have hopes and dreams and secrets.  It's like I have two families.  I call them "the older boys" and "the littles"  Tayla and Dallin (the littles) still love me to pieces.  They love to be silly and play games and watch cartoons and eat ice-cream and play at the park.  Hugs and kisses are dealt out with gusto by the hundreds.  In their eyes I can do no wrong!  Then there are the older boys.   They still love me to pieces, but it's different.  Hugs and kisses are plentiful at bedtime and before school, but in between I am the chauffeur and cook and seamstress.  Life is busy and there's so much to do when you are part of the olders.  There's not time for the games and cartoons.  I am learning so many lessons though.  Four weeks ago Logan hurt his shoulder during wrestling practice.  He broke into tears when he got in the van.  It was really swollen and I had no idea how bad he had hurt it.  We went to the doctor the next day and had x-rays and all the normal stuff to determine what was wrong.  It was sprained and he was told to wear a sling for two weeks and not use it at all especially at practice.  I didn't think this too much to ask.  I knew it needed time to heal.  But Logan had other plans.  Even though he had a note from the doctor to give to his coach to inform him to stay off the mats, it ended up in the garbage.  Even though he had a sling to wear, that only lasted about two days.  I figured he was just being careful without it, but I knew something more was going on.  I lectured him about letting his shoulder heal so he wouldn't injure it more, but it fell on deaf ears.  My son is so much like me it's scary!!  Tell him no and he'll push harder.  5 days after he injured his shoulder he told me he was going to wrestle the next day at the match.  No matter what I said he was determined.  So, in an act of desperation I contacted his coach.  (the whole time I thought they had seen the note from the doctor!)  He informed me he had no idea of the extent of Logan's injury and that he would personally make sure he didn't wrestle at the match.  When I picked up Logan that night from practice and told him he was furious!  How dare I contact his coach.  But I knew I did the right thing.  It took a few days for him to cool off, but he held out hope he could wrestle the next week.  We went in for another check up two weeks after he hurt it.  The doctor said things looked fine and Logan could wrestle IF he felt good.  I still didn't want him to.  I just knew he was going to hurt it more.  There was nothing I could do though-there was NO WAY I could talk Logan out of wrestling and the thought came to my mind, "Let go and Let God"  I have read that saying before, but it wasn't really something I thought about.  I was at peace from that moment on.  Guess what happened next?  The next two weeks at the matches there was no one in Logan's weight class to wrestle so he couldn't take the mat.  As much as I know he loves to wrestle and he was disappointed that he couldn't wrestle, I was thrilled.  I knew it was out of my hands and I felt like Logan was being watched over.  It has helped me gain needed perspective as I raise these "olders"  I can't be there every time, I can't see it all, I can't protect them from everything....but if I let go and let God I know it's going to be ok because he can see it all and he can be there.  It's such a scary part of being a parent, the letting go.  But I know if I put my trust in God that he'll help me and he'll help my boys.  Beth